Oh dear Barbra. It’s been a hell of an emotional 24 hours, and I’m not even American.
My American friends are heartbroken, and to be honest, most of my Australian lady-friends are too. I confess: I was part of one of these ‘secret Facebook groups’ Hillary spoke about, and I cried the whole way through Donald Trump’s victory speech thinking about what Hillary, America and the world has lost.
Now, punk, it’s time to wipe away those tears and use the Trump win to do something that’s a bit on the selfish side – convince you to move to Tasmania.
To cheer you up, I’ve made sure this week’s property list is particularly real estate porny and even a little quirky.
You need to know that the world is totes much bigger than an avenue.
Lotsa room, lotsa comfort, lotsa walking
54 Molle Street, Hobart
5 bedrooms, 1 bathroom (bitch, please)
Note that address, punk. There’s no ‘north’, ‘south’, or ‘west’ in front of that address. It’s pure Hobart. Central Hobart. So central, I don’t know why they’ve bothered giving you a car, because you’re going to walk everywhere. Your arse is going to get so tight from walking up and down the hills of Hobart that I’m excited for the potential your arse is about to reach.
From a property POV, $690K is at the upper end of the market and although this is a great spot, and a nice reno, I don’t think it will vanish as quickly off the market as many other places do on this blog (CONGRATULATIONS JANE!!!!).
Here’s why – it’s got five bedrooms (great) but only one pokey bathroom (inner Hobart is notorious for this). Plus, did you see the kitchen? It’s not a great, big, open family kitchen for a home containing 5 bedrooms.
So, I reckon you’ve got room to negotiate here. Then, when you buy it – make one of the eight million bedrooms a decent bathroom and do something about the chemistry (with all the cash you have left over from selling your studio apartment in Paddington).
Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky house!
248 Bathurst Street, West Hobart
3 bedroom, 3 bathroom (that’s more like it)
There are a number of cheeky things about this place. Firstly, the photos.
Deceiving, more like. This is a skinny, skinny house. It’s Nicole Richie circa 2007 skinny. Which also means, it’s not without its charms.
Look at that amazing reno. Look at the sheer genius of how much property they got out of a teeny, tiny, hillside cottage. Bow down before the ingenious architect. Enjoy your three bedrooms and bathrooms. So delightfully cheeky.
It’s worth pointing out here too that the Hobart market doesn’t really dig auctions. They’ve got this super weird offer system, which is like when you’re in one of those dreams where you can’t open your eyes properly, and kinda an auction anyway. Good old fashioned, proper actions seem to scare the shit out of people here.
See, it’s a simple place, come move here.
An island off an island off an island house
698 Adventure Bay Road, Adventure Bay, Bruny Island
3br, 3 bathrooms
Okay, so this house is obscenely priced for Bruny Island. Yet on closer look, it’s not so bad as it’s looks like an actual house, not a holiday shack, inside. Outside, of course, it’s pure holiday shack, and the quirkiest on the island.
The thing is – it’s kinda like a couple of houses in one. If you were a hand person with some wood and a garden, you could do some gorgeous things to the front. You could also make part of the house an apartment and rent it out to tourists as it’s in one of the most gorgeous spots on Bruny Island.
Adventure Bay is right near the stunning Fluted Cape, and the most gorgeous beach is across the road from this place.
If you’ve got bags of money and smarts and skillz and a dash of eccentricity, buy it. If not, run like the wind.
Remember though, it’s an island off and island off and island. When the end of the world comes, no one will remember its there. It’ll just be you, a few locals, and loads of fresh seafood to eat.
*okay, so obviously I can’t guarantee there’ll be no pussy grabbing here in Tasmania. There are pussies. There are also men and women who get off on pussies, who don’t have manners. However, I’m almost certain that the only pussy grabbing our PM is doing is entirely consensual (he’s famously nuts about his wife).